Grimby’s Gratitude – Living With the Ghosts of Myself

the E-Newsletter of Goldeen Ogawa • Issue 19, June 2019

Originally posted for Patrons on June 7 on Patreon

What have I done?

• Cleanups for “The Four Cavaliers” (The Camilliad, Book 3)
• Read-through of “Free Man Running” and “Follow the Dark” (Driving Arcana 2.6 and 2.7)
• Interior illustrations for The Aubergine Spellbook (Felpz Volume III)
• Heliopause mascot design

What am I doing?

• Cleanups on “The Four Cavaliers” (The Camilliad, Book 3)
• Final read-through revisions of “Paving the Road to Hell” (Driving Arcana 2.8)
• Interior illustrations for The Aubergine Spellbook
• Personal work and limited commissions!

Where am I going?

I am home for the month of June, working hard at preparing for my next show, which will be AnthroCon July 4-7 in Pittsburgh PA!

Living With the Ghosts of Myself

I am going to have roommates for the next six weeks. It will be a change from the solitary state I’ve lived in for the past two and a half years, and the only thing I’m certain of is that things will be different.

Prior to my move to Bend my only experience of living alone had been house-sitting for some friends who owned a ranch out six miles of winding mountain road. That felt cozy and isolated, but at the same time I could just bike home and throw my laundry in with my family’s at the end of the week.

Actually living alone is an entirely different state of being. I am lucky in that I have animal companions, or else I might go a bit depressed, but the cats won’t go grocery shopping and the dog doesn’t do the dishes. It’s all on me. Their care. My care. The house’s care.

Because it’s only me I have to do things linearly. I can’t have one me making breakfast while the other one walks the dog and a third cleans the cat litter. They have to go one at a time, one after the other. In order for me to be out the garage door at 4:15 a.m. for my opening shift at the pool I have to wake up at 3:00 a.m. Go to the bathroom. Feed the animals. Clean the cat litter. Make breakfast. Pack my lunch. Pack my clothes. Get dressed. Walk the dog. Eat breakfast. Brush my teeth. Give the dog her rawhide chew. Leave.

Sometimes it feels like I’m living with the ghost of myself. I can sense my past self in the little changes that happen to the kitchen, to the bathroom, to the studio. Changes that in the past I could have ascribed to the actions of a brother, a mother, or a father. Now it is only me.

Sometimes my past self is a helpful ghost. She has already filled my Camelbak. She ordered more Bristol board. She got groceries. She ran the dishwasher. She put together a breakfast mix and left it in the refrigerator for my bleary-eyed morning self.

Sometimes she is less helpful. She has not brought the bins in. There are pine cones all over the front yard. The bicycle’s chain needs lube. These are the times when I feel the presence of the ghost of my future self. The one who will be hauling in the bins or weeding the yard or lubing the bike chain. Some days I rely on her, usually in the evening when I’m getting tired and can’t function so well.

Then the pine cones can wait, the bins will still be there in the morning. The bike chain won’t rust overnight. My future self can be a helpful ghost, too.

Living alone I’ve come to trust my past self and my future self. Trust that my past self closed the garage door. Trust that my future self will remember to get the mail.

It will be interesting going back to having other people around. Though having roommates is different from having family: they’re not expected to clean the cat litter and I’m not expected to cook for them. But now there will be other people’s dirty dishes—and other people washing them. Other people’s bikes and other people’s clothes and other people’s mail on the kitchen counter. I won’t just have my ghosts to live with—I’ll have the ghosts of my roommates, too.

I am not worried. It’s only for six weeks. Then I will be alone with the ghosts of myself again.

But one thing I do like about having other people around: things feel more real. Events that I witness I can relate to other minds, give them permanence in my history: not only did I see that strange, sudden rainfall pattering on my patio, I told my friend about it, and she saw it in the alley behind our house.

One thing about living with the ghosts of yourself—they are not that great for talking to.

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What’s coming in June?

Patrons can look forward to:

• Saturday updates to the Sparks Gallery
• Sunday updates to “Travels in Valdelluna”
• AND a new eBook!

ProTip

Don’t rip your blisters! That little bubble of fluid is actually helping the skin to heal, and keeping it intact prevents further damage and infection. If they do get ripped, try covering them with Tegaderm—which is an artificial blister for your injured skin.

This post has been generously sponsored by my Fellow Traveler patrons. Come join the party!